The Wooing of the Giver of Hats
by miss.Valentin
Summary: The house elves take drastic action by slipping lord Voldemort a love potion so he falls in love with Hermione Granger, causing chaos as he tries to woo her! Courting with a traditional wizarding proposal of marriage to the confusion of the death eaters. How will the world react to the cunning schemes of a Lovesick darkLord? bring society to its knees and Snape to his wits ends Y6
1. Chapter 1

The Wooing of the giver of hats.

The house elves take drastic action by slipping lord Voldemort a love potion so that he falls in love with Hermione Granger, causing chaos as he tries to woo her! Courting her with a traditional wizarding proposal of marriage much to the confusion of the death eaters.

Prologue

Little is known of the social structure of house elves, for example very few wizards would have noticed that on the night of the full moon their handy little helpers would quite often be dressed in their best tea towels. This oversight can perhaps be forgiven for the night of the full moon tends to be fairly busy for the average witch and wizard with a fairly large number of spells and potions only possible at such a time due to the magical properties of the moon, of course not forgetting those individuals that are rendered incapacitated by the growth of excess hair and teeth, it is perfectly understandable that the dress of a house elf in relation to the orbiting of the moon is an observation few acknowledge, even fewer would connected it to the fact that on the night of the full moon when an elf is called it takes a few seconds longer to appear after all the full moon is very busy.

For you see it is on nights such as this where the moon is round and high when wizards are far too busy to be bothering with house elves, that they gather in large numbers in a grove of sycamores to talk, dance, air grievances and generally discuss the silliness of humans. It was on one of these nights that a matter of such importance was bought before the council of elders.

The matter at hand was the return of the dark Lord and how incredibly unhappy he had seemed to make their masters, Even those that supported him for they seemed unable to please him as a good servant should a highly shameful act to a house elf. So desperate were they to restore the honour of their masters for the shame they bought on themselves by the disappointment they had caused their master ( my master's master is my master) that thay had called upon the act of many hands, an extreme act indeed for many hands make light work something that should be avoided at all costs by any respectable elf, however the situation was desperate and they would all come together to think of a solution.

"What are we to do…. The master's master is dreadfully unsatisfied by my master's work" the elf Twiglet of the house is Nott called through the crowd around the elders.

"Mine as well", called the elf Wallop of the house of Doomberg.

"I call silence" the head elder elf responded, a fine old elf from the house of Thatcher much respected and in possession of all his fingernails a sign of all his good work (bad elves tend to lose their fingernails fairly quickly).

The group of 3000 elves fell silent at his his words, "I is knowing many of you are worried….. by stocks are masters isn't even punishing themselves when master is bad, masters master is doing it for them…. Such disgrace they bring upon their houses".

"I is not caring about that", an elf of the house of bones shrieked," he tries to hurt my mistress bones and I is not knowing how to help and serve her….. We must make this stop "

" but how is we doing this" called another from the crowd.

" I have a cunning plan" called out a small elf from the back, very strange else indeed with socks on his hands and feet and a tea cosy on his head, a disgrace to all that is house elf Dobby step forward to the elders.

" We must be making him happy" Dobby called out in the silence.

"And how would you be doing that" pursed the lips of the head elf.

"We'd help him get the bumpy bump….. Masters always happy after the bumpy bump, mistress give master the bumpy bump and then master happy." Dobby replied smugly.

"But masters master has no mistress to give him the bumpy bump" replied the elder elf in a serious tone.

" We give him elf potion to help him get mistress , so that she can give him the bumpy bump" Dobby retorted.

"And with the bumpy bump, he be having little masters and mistresses… So be too busy to hurt my mistress" clap the elf of the house of bones.

" Our Elvish love potion, be very strong only use on the most unhappy master and mistresses and never on ones that not been bonded, who would you have bond to the master of masters" the eldest elf thought out loud considering the matter.

" Are masters master is most happy with the mistress Lestrange" spoke the elf twiglet.

" He cannot be my mistress for she already has my master to do the bumpy bump" the crazed elf of the Lestrange house called from the corner.

" you is being right" there head elf hummed" my master's master is being the most frightening of all masters" the surrounding elfs nodded at this" so it be sense…. To make the scariest of masters want to do the bumpy bump with the most scariest of mistresses that make good sense, good match…. Mean lots of little masters and mistresses….. Make scary master busy….. And we'd all very happy when busy." The elf nodded in conclusion." Who is most scariest of the Miss"

all the elves of Hogwarts shouted loudly at the question none could be heard over the dim they were so loud in voicing their opinion until the head elf pointed at one to explain, " the giver of hats be the most scariest of witch's " the elf squeaked running its hands nervously over its tea towel looking around nervously as if she might just appear." She is most frightening, he tried to give us all hats…. We deadened go into the her house… The Miss be so frightening"

" who is this miss … You all so frightened of" nervously squeak the head elf never before had he seen so many elves frightened of one master.

" She the giver of hats, be Miss Hermione Granger"

" so be it …. Miss Hermione Granger will become the master Dark Lord's mistress… I shall go forth into the deepest of the woods to collect Oberon purple flower of deepest love which only Elf eyes may see and squeeze its due upon the sleeping eyes of my master's master, then bind subtle potion with elves Magic so he may dream of her and only her till his passion comes undone he will seek only to bring her to his side and bind her to him in deepest love… And then they'll be bumpy bump for scariest of masters" with those words the elf popped away to complete the most cunning of plans.

If any witches wizards had overheard the gathering of elves on that fateful full moon night they would not be forgiven if they fail to observe that house elves useful creatures that they are, evidently lack a clear understanding of the social dynamics of humans nearly as much so as humans do of elves…. And that by socks! They should keep well clear from matters of the bumpy bump.

Thank you for reading this is my first fanfiction so any encouragement will be deeply appreciated.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 1

Voldemort woke up the day after the full moon feeling very strange it wasn't the usual aches and pains that his new reptile body often suffered from, the goosepimples on his flesh were not from the slight chill in the air of the November morning but from the light caress of a dream half remembered in the wake of rosy fingered Dawn, an uneven beating of his heart, a phantom taste upon his lips, how very strange an imagined image in his mind's eye obscured by woken awareness lingering. Patting down his body in an attempt to discover the cause of the pleasant affliction he suffered his hand brushed against the engorged muscle at the apex of his thighs, he paused hand stroking in a lingering caress. His mind realising the caused of his bodies enjoyment a pleasant sensation he had not suffered since that Halloween night 15 years ago, he began to stroke harder how strange Voldemort thought giving way to his rediscovered pleasure, pumping tilt gratified.

20 minutes later please with his results, Voldemort was up and showered ready to begin his day's work of world domination called for his pathetic manservant Peter Pettigrew to delivered him the files on one Harry Potter to look over at brunch. Eggs Benedict on one side of him and a large file on the other he flipped through the new Intel on his sworn enemy. ( It is interesting to note this disgruntled him! For to have ones sworn enemy to be a 16-year-old boy was displeasing and a smidgen embarrassing.) His eyes stopped on a picture of Potter and his friends, focusing in for the first time on the curly haired woman seated next to Potter in the library eyes down in concentration biting her bottom lip fingering a quilt absently. Suddenly filled with the question of what colour her eyes were he thumbed through more photos finding one of her walking to class head turned towards the camera giving a short laugh over her shoulder at Potter and a red headed boy, gold her eyes were of honey gold? her hair dark ringlets bouncing as she stepped brushing against the concealed raise of her chest arms folded books pressed to her in a somehow wanton concealment of her fine attributes. He wanted to taste, to lick, to smell her pleasure at his touch surprised he ran his fingers over the photograph ( a rather plain photo to anyone else's eyes) attributing this new desire with his rediscovered libido he pushed aside his breakfast and began to write he had a new task for the youngest Malfoy.

Great Hall – lunchtime.

Unusual as it was to receive an owl at lunchtime it could not have prepared Draco for the contents of such a letter it read as such.

Malfoy,

I require you to procure an object of some interest to me from the curly haired witch of Mr Potter's acquaintance, you are to acquire a pair of the Witch's lower undergarments used and unwashed. Present your findings to your head of house instructing him to deliver the package to me when I call tonight, You have until 11pm to complete the transaction discretion is greatly advised.

LV

On reading the letter disappeared leaving Draco staring dumbly down at his lunch wondering how in Merlin saggy balls he was going to get a pair of Granger knickers.

Leaving his uneaten meal he headed for history of Magic envisioning scenarios on how he could get THE KNICKERS! Seduction was out he could just see how that scenario would end.

" ha Granger … you me tonight broom closet?"

" Fuck off ferret"

" but Granger I simply need a pair of your dirty knickers!"

She had hex his bollocks off or give him a swift punch to the nose before Potter and the weasel put him permanently in the hospital wing.

No seduction was out! get the house elves to snatch a pair? but how would he explained that if they told anyone? "Oh I just need theme to give to the dark Lord… no I don't know the reason…. Can't imagine why he would need a pair of mudblood panties…. I promise there not for me." he be a laughing stock! So no house elves stun her in a deserted corridor rip-off her pants and run away? Hardly discreet and liable to attract the attention of teachers if not the Ministry and just imagine if he got caught? Shuddering at the thought he began to think desperately it was already after class and he didn't want to think of what would happen to him if he didn't get what the dark Lord wanted and then he smiled he would do what any wizard would do when they wanted something he would summon them.

It was getting late and Hermione Granger sat alone in the library finishing off a particularly difficult potions essay when she felt a tugging at her hips suddenly her body was pulled against the table as her feet stretched out under her as her knickers flew out from under her skirt down to her ankles catching on her shoes tugging her towards the door, with a cry and a kick they became free shooting through the library, out the door and down the corridor. Stunned and slumped in her chair she stared after them quickly looking around to see if anyone had seen they hadn't, deciding it was probably better not to go running after them imagining how mortifying it would be if anyone saw she gathered up her books and headed for the common room, embarrassed of what she assumed was a misfired spell after all who could possibly in be interested in her knickers?

Draco watched Hermione rushed out of the library from his hidden alcove, cheeks pink and his hand thrust into the pocket of his robes clutching at the slip of material he waited 10 minutes and then rushed down to the dungeons.

Breathing hard he gave an urgent knock to Snape's office rushing in before a response he stood in front of his godfather slamming the door behind him as the man at the desk raised an eyebrow in question.

"Mr Malfoy to what do I owe your abrupt presence it is most unbecoming for a young man to go around slamming doors and rude of him to enter uninvited." He drawled eyeing the young man waryliy as the boy fidgeted on the spot " I'm most busy at this time so if you would cease with your dramatic flair and get on with it I'd be most obliged" leaning back in his chair folding his arms across his chest waiting for the boy to respond.

" well sir I have something for you " blush deepening Draco through the piece of fabric onto his professors desk.

Snape reached out unfolding the white material to reveal by wizard standards a rather racy pair of lacy knickers with a little bow in the front. (demure for muggle ) lifting them in the air he stared from the knickers to Draco and back again silence ringing loudly throughout the office the young man squirming uncomfortably.

" Mr Malfoy are you propositioning me? " Snape asked quietly trying to keep a blank face at his surprise and horror.

" What no" Draco all but shouted his face reddening still further " there for the dark Lord."

" And why pray tell would the dark Lord be interested in a pair of woman's undergarments?" eyebrow raising even further.

" look I don't know! I know it sounds impossible I just got a letter from him asking for a particular persons… Well that.. Used and unwashed to give to you."

"The dark Lord wished for you to give me some female used underwear?"

" Yes precisely…. I wasn't suggesting that we …"

"I should hope not," Snape interrupted "Mr Malfoy are you sure you're not the victim of a particularly cruel prank."

"No sir the letter had his seal, I was to give you the package and you are to deliver them to him when called tonight" Spoke calming slightly.

"Very well it seems you've completed your assignment you may go." Snape suggested trying to reclaim mental balance at this new information.

"Thank you sir, if I may I been trying to think of a reason why he would want a pair of those and I can't think of anything I mean it's not like he had want a pair of her knickers to do.. Well the things wizards like to do with dirty knickers." Draco cringed at the thought." I thought perhaps there was some dark spell or potion that required… Them as ingredients?"

"To my knowledge there is no such band of dark art." Thinking seriously.

" Oh , thank you Sir I'll just go now." Draco mumbled heading towards the door.

"Wait" Snape called to him "who undergarments are these exactly Draco?"

" Hermione Granger's Sir" he replied as he rushed from the room leaving a further stun potion Master in his wake.

Thank you to all those who reviewed your feedback means so much as this is my first fanfiction and I admit I lacked confidence my responses below please continue to give your kind support.

I'm not sure if I'm stretching the T rating for this flick if I'm wondering into M rating can you let me know so I can adjust the settings thank you .

Guest 2ed Review- Thank you I know my grammar and spelling could use a bit of work unfortunately I suffer dyslexia will attempt to do better.

SereniteRose-thanks for your support not sure how often I be updating, not on a set timetable at the moment will let you know if this changes.

The Murder of a Crow- thanks thinking me funny, on a side note I don't think I'll have Hermione fall in love with the dark Lord just him with her and how someone else perhaps a sticky love triangle? Any thoughts on pairings let me know.

So as not to go on and on, thanks to all these other people who reviewed!

Missvertigo, Joe, Icarus, firekitsune2z, duj, susan sebest, suzululu4moe, mscrazybird, BubaDictor,


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 2.

Several hours after Draco's smuggling of contraband to his professor, Severus Snape found himself outside Dumbledore office having come from a particularly confusing meeting with the dark Lord, saying the password he moved into the circular room to find the headmaster sitting alone behind his desk reading knitting patterns.

" Severus my dear boy come in I was just looking over a particularly fascinating pattern for a double crossover thick stitch cloak with stars and cauldrons absolutely marvellous." Grinned happily at the sour faced Snape.

"Headmaster I've come to report a troubling development." Snape began waving away the offered bowl of lemon drops from the now serious looking man.

"Severus tell me what's troubling you."

"Miss Granger's underwear" he Intoned Agitated by unwonted embarrassment.

" ah I see, yes I was half expecting something like this to happen."

"You were expecting this... Development?"

"Somewhat, I can understand your trepidation it is an unusual situation and while many may frown upon it I'll give you my full support."

"Your support in what exactly headmaster." A sinking feeling settling in Severus gut.

"Why to pursue your forbidden love for Miss Granger obviously, you a man in the prime of his life surrounded by versatile young women never knowing if you live to see another day because of your role as spy and her, young, kind, intelligent, beautiful always thinking the best of you defending you to have friends knowing all that you risk defending her kind from an evil madman. Really Severus it's rather romantic especially given your history you have my full support any man would be lucky to have her."

Severus close his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose praying for strength before looking up at the now smiling headmaster reminding himself that he was used to the old man's fancys and if you ignored them they usually went away on their own.

"Albus I have not developed an extracurricular interest in Miss Granger especially her underwear, however if you like I'll pass along your high recommendation of her to the person who has developed an interest in her undergarments."

" oh.. so you're not filled with a burning passion for a student?" A twinkle fading from his eyes

"Most certainly not headmaster."

"Oh what a shame, you would made a lovely couple and so tragically romantic all for love, so who's the young man who's taken a shine to Miss Granger."

"The dark Lord" Snape said in a stern and serious voice.

"The dark Lord?" Dumbledore repeated surprised. "Tom Riddle has taken an interest in Miss Granger?"

"In her undergarments at least". Snape retorted sarcastically." He had one of the students steal a pair of her unmentionables, then had them deliver to me I was called shortly after where he met me alone looked into my mind he viewed my memories of the girl, demanded his package them rewarded me for fine work?"

"Oh that's unexpected."

"Exactly."

"And how did he seem to you".

"That's the most troubling part of this situation, for lack of a better word he seemed chipper."

"Chipper?"

"Yes chipper." The potion Master spat the word

"and what did he reward you."

"He rewarded me with a pair Sears eyes a particularly difficult to obtain potions ingredient"

"a high reward indeed! Did he say anything else."

"Only that I was to keep this transaction quiet and that he would reward Draco for his part shortly."

"This is troubling news."

"Hence how I felt the need to report the incident, not because of my burning infatuation with a intolerable know it all schoolgirl.. And I would like you to frame from making such accusations in the future" the words sang with haughty venom from the young man lips.

"My apologies Severus, you may go now I have a lot to think of."

"One last thing headmaster, is it possible that he required the item for some sort of dark ritual? I'm struggling to think of any part of the dark arts that would require such a item?"

"Nothing immediately springs to mind, though there might be some obscure dark medium, that I'm not aware of I did once come across a curse that required the victim's shoes to be initiated".

"Thank you headmaster" Snape finished turning to leave.

"Oh Severus lets keep this between ourselves for the time being, no need to alarm anyone."

"As you wish headmaster." With that Snape left the room flowing back to his dungeon apartment wondering what exactly was going on and how it involved Miss Granger and whether she did say nice things about him behind his back.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed, you been giving such fantastic feedback I don't quite know what to do! it so amazing to get such a positive response.

At the moment I been refining the basic plot outline to make things easier later on, so this was just a quick chapter to link events before we get into the nitty-gritty I should update again later today or tomorrow morning.

A very kind soul has just offered to beta for this story and I'll be working out how that works with them shortly as well as upgrading the story to M rating per your suggestion to keep on the right side of the law thank you to all those that responded to my question.

May continue thanks to all those below for their kind words.

Susan sebest, MsCrazybird, duj, firekitsune2z, Amarenima Redwood, Lana, LittlebigmouthOKC , jitra , Martionmanswife, TJK78, Suzululu4moe, 09sasha, YeCatsJ , aalens , tcl7189, JStanesco. graynavarre.

Sorry if I've accidentally missed anyone out.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 3.**

**Hermione Granger rushed down the stairs to the great Hall late for breakfast on the following Friday glad that for once she'd had a relatively normal week (as normal a week one could have at a school for magic.) Compared to the disastrous last weekend starting with that embarrassing incident in the library Friday night, then Ron kissing lavender after the Quidditch Match when that morning he'd suggested she take him to Slughorn's party next month because in his words." Who else would want to go with you?"**

**He couldn't seem to understand why she would be upset with him and how now she deftly wasn't taking him as her date! Every time she said she wasn't taking him he just smile and say the course she would! It wasn't as if she was particularly upset that Ron and lavender were together, she got over her crush on him after he was such a prat to her at the Yule Ball, doesn't mean she was happy to play second string to the likes of Lavender Brown and the fact that he expected her to was just insulting, not that he understood that prat. To top off the utter horrid weekend was the announcement in the paper on Sunday of the release from Azkaban of Malfoy senior due to 'inconclusive evidence'. Thank Merlin last week have been easy drama free and that the boys had been too busy hatching conspiracy plans about Malfoy to go off getting into more trouble, what she needed now was a nice calm breakfast and a long sleep in this weekend then she be right as rain. **

**Knowing she be one of the last people into breakfast she rushed through the door into the noisy great Hall, suddenly the room fell silent stopping her in her tracks as everyone turned to look at her, before she knew what was happening Prof Snape had snuck up on her taken her by the shoulders physically turned her around pushing her back through the door and down the corridor, 'what in Merlin's name was going on now' was all she could think as she was manhandled down the corridor.**

**10 minutes earlier-great Hall-teachers table.**

**Severus Snape was on edge, It had been a whole week since he was last called to the dark Lord and something didn't feel right, with the unexpected release of Lucius from Azkaban apparently as Draco's reward, though he suspected the boy would have preferred for his father to stay exactly where he deserved to be in Azkaban, the gesture was uncharacteristically generous of the dark Lord.**

**After some discreet enquiries with his death eater brothers he discovered that for the last week Voldemort had been away on business and has not contacted any of his followers apart from to instruct them to keep a low profile until further notice halting any active attacks planned. **

**Something big was happening he didn't know what, but it was big and all he could do was sit at breakfast drink his coffee, ignore the little voice in the back of his head telling him he was up shit Creek without a wand with a sea serpent in the water and listen to Mcgonagall go on and on about Filch cat trying to get a leg over when she was in her animagus form.**

**Thankfully she was interrupted by the arrival of the post and paper, she had just got to the part about having the ruddy cats wheels taken off, everyone seem to ignore the fact that Mrs Norris was female and didn't have any wheels to lose he mused as he flipped the paper open to show the smiling face of Miss Granger staring up at him with the headline, ' real-life fairytale comes true for the secret Princess Hermione Granger, see page 1, 3,4 and 7, for full story' blinking he began to scan the article.**

**'****This reporter Rita Skeeter has uncovered one of the wizarding world's best kept secrets for her avid and loyal readers a story of fear, corruption, betrayal, hidden identity, dark magic, love and the impossible to dispute fact that Miss Hermione Jane Granger (17-year-old Gryffindor in her six-year at Hogwarts) is the last magical surviving member of The Romanova family. **

**The Romanova family formally ****the last sovereigns of Imperial Russia ruling over****muggle and wizarding folk alike were brought down in 1918 by political revolution between the mugwumpist and the Merlinist political factions, mugwumpist determined to rid the world of active wizarding royalty with powers to rule over Muggles and wizards countries, rather than the system of voted ministry representatives controlling government. The mugwumpist targeted the Romanova using muggles to do their dirty work captured and killing the family to achieve their political aims of segregation between Muggle and wizard politics. **

**However they failed, Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna of Russia the youngest daughter of ****Tsar Nicholas II****, the last sovereign of ****Imperial Russia****, and his wife, ****Tsarina Alexandra Fyodorovna****. Supposedly executed with her family in an ****extrajudicial killing****by members of the ****Cheka****, the ****Bolshevik****secret police****, on July 17, 1918 did not die. **

**This reporter can now confirm with all certainty that Anastasia did not die that fateful night, Persistent rumors of her possible escape circulated after her death,**** we can tell you the true story of what happened to Anastasia, she was rescued by the dark wizard ****Grigori Yefimovich ****Rasputin a friend of the family and ****Merlinist****who had faked his death the previous year to escape assassination by the ****mugwumpist. **

**The couple went into hiding, fell in love and married having a son many years later, but tragedy struck the family once again with their son still a baby in arms they contracted a deadly dose of Dragon pox. Knowing their days were numbered, fearing the safety of their son and all the ****mugwumpist out there who may mean him harm if his birthright was ever revealed, they used an ancient and dark spell to steal his magic rendering him a squib! They then hid him with Muggle in England, forging government papers and covering their tracks before dying.**

**This son safely hidden away from the wizarding world grew up got married and had a family of his own never realising all that he'd lost, that he had lost his magic and family. I tell you my readers my heart aches for the tragedy which has befallen this poor family, but there is some hope left! for the hidden away son is the father of one miss Hermione Granger deemed the brightest which of her age, a charming young lady, top of her class and on the whole a treasure to the nation? Will this young which claim her birthright? A birthright Stolen from her father and grandmother and become the next wizarding ruler of Russia? Imperial leader of all Wizarding Russia? Is she really safe at ****Hogwarts with Albus Dumbledore as headmaster with his role as Supreme Mugwump of the international Confederation of wizards we can only hope Princess Hermione doesn't suffer a deadly accident under his careful watch, ****we can only wait to see. Article continues on pages,**

**3-how I found the hidden Princess , **

**4-is she a real princess? All the proof for all to see! ministry hidden papers, cover up or conspiracy**

**7-modern-day princess, expose on her life, fashion and dating.'**

**Something big was going to happen, he was certainly on the Galleon for that one so the Gryffindor Princess a real princess? He'd pay good gold to see Lucius face right about now on the other hand Mcgonagall anti-****Merlinist as she was might be equally as entertaining.**

**"****Minerva interesting article in the Prophet this morning have you seen it?" Severus called over interrupting Minerva continued tieraid on all things Mrs Norris, noting the increase noise level of the great Hall.**

**"****Severus you should know I never read such rubbish I don't even know why you continue to get the blasted thing I cancel my prescription months ago."**

**"****Have a look at the headmaster's then it's in his place and he hasn't arrived yet, it's being quite illuminating about one of your Gryffindor's " Severus watched as the woman huffed reached over and open the paper the rest of the staff suddenly interested looked at their own copies or over the shoulder of a neighbour.**

**Silence fell over the head table the teacher's eyes gradually growing wider with every paragraph and Minerva face red and reder finally being the paper up to hide her face accidentally placing one of her elbows in the butter dish.**

**Satisfied with her response Snape began to scan the crowd for the person of hot topic this morning noticing her absence.**

**"****Oh dear what are we going to do the poor dear might have all sorts of trouble coming her way." Poppy suddenly exclaimed from her end of the table.**

**Severus suddenly internally kicked himself he hadn't thought of that, too busy being amused at the dribble Skeeter could imagine the ramifications if it was true hadn't crossed his mind, the situation was incalculable his Slytherin for a start would they act better or worse to her than they did before? Would she have power hungry Slytherin following her around like puppy dogs? Or would they wish to undermine her? Would the Ministry of Magic recognise her position? extremists attempt to assassinated her? A Power balance was suddenly shifting never a good thing in wizard politics and how would the dark Lord react to the news? Oh Merlin and Arthur hairy balls together the dark Lord and Miss Granger's knickers! Too much of a coincidence to be a coincidence! The dark Lord asked for her knickers goes away for a week and suddenly she's a princess, what the devil did he do with her knickers? And why how does this help him? Agitated by the thought Severus rises from the table leaving the gossiping staff behind and heads for the door to read the rest of the articles with silence in his rooms, contemplating what to do next suddenly she enters in front of him and all goes quiet! he can feel the magic swell in the air pricking at the back of his neck if she stayed there whatever was going to happen would be loud and probably be violent. With that last thought he grabs her turns her around shoving her out the door towards the dungeons and the last-place anyone would think to look for her his sitting room.**

**Prof Snape sittingroom**

**Hermione was ungraciously shoved into the masculine room all leather armchairs and mahogany drinks cabinets, windowless with a large empty fireplace at its centre she turned to her professor as he slammed the door behind them pulling out his wand warding the room trapping them inside.**

**"****Prof what's going on? Has something happened to Harry?" She asked quickly.**

**" ****Potters fine, something's happened to you" he snapped starting on a second incantation for the doorway.**

**"****I'm fine professor, what's going on."**

**"****So you don't know then."**

**"****Know what Sir." Hermione spluttered becoming slightly hysterical.**

**"****sit down and read this" Snape replied shoving the newspaper at her.**

**Taking the newspaper Hermione sat down in the comfy leather armchair to her right and began to read, Snape crossed his arms watching her after the first page she flipped to the second a blank expression appearing across her face and then onto the second article about her eyes running back and forth with speed occasionally flipping back to reread a paragraph until she read everything, she quietly folded the paper in her lap thought for a moment and burst out laughing clutching at her stomach in giggles.**

**"****I fail to see what so amusing Miss Granger" Snape started only to stop as she waved her hand at him wiping the tears from her eyes.**

**"****Absolute bollocks the whole article, forgive my language Sir but I'd never read a bigger pile of hippogriff dung in all my life."**

**"****Are you absolutely sure about that Miss Granger?"**

**"****Sir you can't honestly believe that rubbish." Waving her hands in exasperation.**

**"****It doesn't really matter what I believe Miss Granger what's important is everyone else believes it." Gripping the bridge of his nose once more.**

**"****How can anyone believe that nonsense?"**

**"****Has your experience with wizard newspapers taught you nothing? Or are you a bigger dunderhead thing your friends?"**

**"****Point taken Sir, but it can't be right I met my grandparents on my dad's side and there's no way my dad isn't there child, my dad is the spitting image of his dad same eyebrows and everything."**

**"****Eyebrows aside Miss Granger the world now believes you're a half-blood princess and everything in your world is about to change, "**

**" ****The half-blood princess " smiling weakly whispering the thought.**

**"****What was that." Snape asked suddenly quiet himself a thought niggling in the back of his mind.**

**"****Nothing sir, it just like something I once read."**

**The room descended into silence both lost in their own thoughts until Hermione broke the silence with a question.**

**"****What are we doing now professor?"**

**"****Miss Granger, we are hiding until the headmaster wakes up has half a dozen lemon drops and read his newspaper, he can then sort this mess out and you can leave me in peace for all your questions."**

**Hermione lightly laughed at his remark smiled and replied," thank you professor for taking the time to explain everything to me away from everybody else and for keep me safe, I suppose I couldn't have just one normal week."**

**And then they were silence once more.**

**Hello everyone I hope you enjoyed this chapter not as funny as the last ones and I promise this isn't going to turn into Hermione's a secret princess story and has a secret pureblood family, it's all part of the dark Lord's cunning plan.**

**I hope you're got the half blood Prince reference and like the tender moment between Hermione and Severus, can you tell me if they are in character or if I'm going all OC?**

**Thank you to all those who left feedback I love hearing from you all let me know what you think.**

**Big thank you to: ****Amarenima Redwood****, ****Martionmanswife****, ****The Murder of a Crow****, ****SereniteRose**** , ****Giada.**

**Hi all sorry about having to re-post this chapter its not fomating, hope this works !**


	5. Chapter 5

**The Wooing of the Giver of Hats.**

**Chapter 5**

**Snape's rooms.**

"Miss Granger I don't believe you understand the full ramifications of what Miss Skeeter is suggesting!"

"But sir.. It's just a load of hopeless gossip, I mean no one can actually believe it and if they did, well what difference would it make? It's not like anyone's going to drop to their knees as I walked through Diagon alley swearing there undying allegiance or anything."

" Miss Granger that's exactly what might happen, with Skeeter outing you as the supposed last living Romanov any number of people might be dropping to their knees, dragons dung girl didn't you pay attention in history of Magic? The conflict between the Mugwumpist and the Merlinist political parties nearly bought our world to a civil world war! The only reason it didn't was because there was no royalty left for the Merlinist to support, divine right of succession chosen by the goddess to lead us and all that Malarkey."

" oh!"

" YES OH!, The Merlinist still hold a large amount of political power within Europe, in England you might have heard them referred to as the sacred 26 families? You know the people that make up the majority of the Wizengamot? Oh is right you silly little girl."

" In my defence Prof, Prof Binns seems to find the 13th century conflicts of goblins to be a key part of are magical education, we have yet to reach 20th-century Russia."

Hermione replied indignantly shifting in her chair uncomfortably starting to grasp the huge ramifications of her situation. Snape who had moved from his chair to pace circularly around his coffee table swivelled to face her running a hand through his hair in exasperation.

" well girl to put it into muggle terms which you might understand it be like… well the Queen of England telling Union soldiers 80 years after the American Civil War, ' you fought for democracy and independence? Well I'm here now and I have a divine right to rule over all you little people! A right given to me by God and if you don't do what I say all your religious nut jobs will go around burning down people's houses!' How do you think the Americans would take that ".

Hermione turned white at his words, ( well wouldn't you to) stuttering to form a response.

"But sir I'm not telling anyone to anything!"

" That hardly matters, The Romanov held power by the divine right of kings gifted with wisdom and power granted by the goddess directly, Merlin only knows what this will do with the followers of the dark Lord."

" eerrr the goddess sir?"

Severus shook his head with impatience slowing his words as if talking to a small child.

" yes THE Goddess. ( Capital THE! under lined in big letters) the deity most of the wizarding world worships? The one that created us, gave us our power and the ancient laws of Magic?"

"ancient laws of Magic? Sir". Hermione asked timidly in the way someone would ask a question that they really didn't want answering.

" Galloping gargoyles, I know your muggle born." Snape almost screamed at her spit flying." But didn't anyone in your house think to explain the fundamentals of wizarding society."

Hermione was not used to not knowing things and as people do when confronted with a situation that they find strange and uncomfortable she became angry, standing up red-faced she levelled her eyes at him.

" I know plenty about Wizarding society, I know about quidditch and Diagon alley and about how unfair the Ministry treats magical creatures and how some pure blood don't like muggle born! And.. and ..and I did know that wizard used to worship a pagan deity I just didn't believe that the positively mediaeval idea was still practised, and for your information sir I believe the Americans would be very unhappy if the Queen tried to press her authority."

"The Americans muggle's can go hang for all I care, The American Wizarding world is still one of our Ministry colonies. Miss Granger you know nothing, all you know is children's games and uninformed opinions on legislation you know nothing about! in a society you known nothing of, bar a child's whimsy. Positively mediaeval you say I wonder how it escaped you're supposed supreme powers of observation that the world around you relies heavily on mediaeval traditions, or did you think all the candles, quills and robes were simply for a sense of the theatrical?." Severus stared down at her eyebrows raised in a sarcastic question." Do you even understand why people support the dark Lord and his views on muggle born's?"

" They don't think muggle born's deserve Magic". Hermione responded hotly.

" yes if you want the ABC easy reader version you're correct."

Hermione Huffed sitting back down, "well sir please enlighten me, feel free to use big words I'm sure I can follow."

"Cheek Miss Granger will not be tolerated, I may have given you sanctuary in my rooms from the chaos undoubtably unfolding upstairs but your new-found royal status will not prevent me from placing you in detention.. Now tell me how many are in your year?"

" 32 sir".

"and what is 32×7?"

"224 sir .. but what dos."

" Quiet! And you believe that roughly 224 people in a generation could successfully run the wizarding society of Great Britain? "

" I haven't thought about it sir, I suppose not"

"you could barely run a quidditch team with those numbers even with magic, let alone the Ministry, the magical parts of London and the towns like hogsmeade. Miss Granger what your experience here at Hogwarts is the children of the elite in uk Wizarding world."

" But doesn't every magical child get a letter to Hogwarts?"

" Yes they do though very few can afford to send their children to a school like Hogwarts, most end up either being homeschooled or sent to one of the smaller day schools throughout the country which academically can't hold a candle to Hogwarts. You didn't expect the children of someone like Malfoy one of the richest families in our world to go to school with the son of the man that cleans the gutter at Eeylops _Owl_ Emporium did you?"

" I… .but my parents don't pay for Hogwarts."

" Of course they don't you're a muggle born! Its stated in the international statute of secrecy 1689, that a wizard or which in a situation with no direct magical Guardian able to fulfil the requirement of minimal instruction in the act of Magic is to be placed by the Ministry into an institution of magical learning with any incurring costs covered by the Ministry to protect the exposure of the Wizarding world . Your school fees by law are paid by the government, the government raises its money through taxation. The taxation of people in the majority can only dream of sending their children to a school like Hogwarts, to give their children the opportunity that a Hogwarts education would provide them. The majority of your class will go on for better or worse into top positions in their chosen field becoming heads of department at the Ministry, curse break's, medical healers and more these are simply not options for the average wizard. In a society where magic fixes the mundane problems of everyday life education is one of the few ways one can better themselves."

Severus's voice dropped low with his explanation as he continued.

" The unbalance in social welfare is what drives the hatred in the average Wizard for muggle born, very few believe in the pure blood rhetoric most see their hard earned gold paying for muggle borns education something they can't even afford to give their children, muggle born's go on to get higher paying jobs and quite often fail to accept the social graces of our world, they celebrate Christmas rather than the Winter solstice etc they don't try and integrate themselves into a society which separated from their 500 years ago they call it archaic or lacking modern direction . Granted there are those that uses this hatred for political means Muggle borns are a very small minority and a popular scapegoat for hungry politicians. Can you now see why theres resentment for muggle borns how someone might use that feeling to power of radical movement ."

" but that's just unfair sir, everyone should have a chance at education."

" Unfortunately the world doesn't work on what's fair, fairness only tends to happen to the people who can afford it."

" But what about people like Ron his family's isn't rich?"

" I won't make personal comments on the financial situation of the Weasley's but how much do you think the deputy of a government department in the Muggle world makes ? I promise you it isn't vastly different from the wizarding world, they're supposedly poverty might have more to do with the number of children then on base income."

The room fell quiet as Hermione considered her professors words and how very little she really understood about the motive of the people in the war that was approaching with the dark Lord.

" The point being Miss Granger you just become a focal point for people who want to return to the old ways of feudal traditions, an icon for the traditional movement most confuse with pure blood elitism."

" oh sir how did this happen?"

" I believe it may have started with a pair of your lacy knickers."

" WHAT?"

Sorry for taking so long to update I've recently moved to China and that's been a culture shock. Please let me know what you think and if you can understand what I'm trying to say trying to give the Harry Potter world a couple more dimensions,( not that it not practically perfect in every way ( like Mary Poppins)). Will get funny again soon just had to get a bit of the back story out the way the who, what, why? Thank you for everyone who left a comment please leave more they really mean a lot to me.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

Meanwhile miles away from the wild dampness of the magical castle, in the more genteel drizzle of autumn rain sits a large manor house situated on the nose end of Wiltshire an unmissable large white spot on the English countryside.

Lord Lucius Malfoy who wouldn't describe his large stately home or anything in it as a spot on anything ( apart from that truly hideous sculpture Narcissa bought during one of her modern art fabs that she insisted belonged in the Rose Garden).

Was seated in the smallest of his 3 dining rooms eating breakfast (Breakfast in the grand dining room was so new money) trying to process the information he just read in the newspaper. Miss Buck tooth bushy hair know it all may be the next Empress of Russia? Well the girl wasn't that unattractive really, but ever so Muggle no style and what is a wizard without style. He tapped a finger to his lips trying to decide what he should do about it, if he should do anything at all? His political standing was still shaky after his recent acquittal for a crime he most certainly did commit( not just committed but caught red-handed), the dark Lord had him released as a reward to Draco a reward he still wasn't entirely sure what his son had done to deserve. Draco was being unusually quiet about the whole affair suspicious in itself returning his letters of enquiry with vague responses of ' procuring a delicate item of a personal nature for the dark Lord ' refusing to say anything else.

A delicate item of a personal nature? Whatever could that mean his son was stuck at school it wasn't like he could have gone gallivanting off, what could be of a personal nature to the dark Lord at Hogwarts? Thinking of the dark Lord he was positively acting bizarre, on Lucius release he had asked to be shown all of the photos Draco had brought back from school since first year and the way he asked the question if the dark Lord wasn't six-foot tall ,vaguely scaly ,with glowing red eyes and a devil may care attitude would have be described as self-conscious.

So they sat in the parlour drinking tea himself still in the prison robes flipping through Draco's school photo album it was oddly intimate! Intimate was not exactly the word Lucius wanted to use when describing his dealings with the dark Lord it unsettled him greatly, he would have preferred words like , revered, strategic, empowering perhaps at a push comrades not intimate. The dark Lord had seemed unsatisfied with his findings and had left shortly after only to return last night taking residents in the best guest bedroom.

What to do about the Granger girl if the story was true she could cause him further troubles in the future if she obtained any power. they were hardly on good terms since she'd helped in getting him arrested too clever by half, however her brains could simply be a byproduct of good breeding 'blood will out' even with her Muggle mother she would be a catch, every breeder acknowledged the need to widen the gene pool once in awhile her unfortunate mother could be overlooked (Narcissa had overlooked his the old shrew) . She wasn't bad looking nothing a bit of magic with etiquette lessons wouldn't fix and whoever she married would become Emperor of Russia. Perhaps he should suggest Draco to be nicer to her intill the story could be verified it never hurts to keep your options open. Draco would make a fine Emperor and Lucius grandchildren wouldn't have pug noses, he couldn't stand pug noses and Malfoy's always got their mother's nose, father's hair but always the mother's nose that would be one goddess sent the idea needed further thinking.

His musings were interrupted by the opening of the door, the dark Lord had decided unexpectedly to join Lucius for breakfast that morning. Rising from his seat a show of respect to his Lord he indicated an invitation to the breakfast table, they both sat a tense atmosphere falling over the couple. Lucius was worried once more his Lord had that funny shift to shoulders again the one that looks suspiciously like self-consciousness, his voice however was as deep and clear as always.

" Excellent eggs Lucius."

"Thank you my lord."

" It's a charming morning isn't it Lucius."

"Yes it is my lord."

Oh this wasn't good Lucius could feel it in his ghoulies something was about to happen, a man should never ignore a feeling in his ghoulies.

" You're a rather handsome man Lucius ."

" Er.. I've been told so my lord."

" Yes very handsome! sum might even call you pretty, with all your long blonde hair very pretty."

"…. Thank you my lord?"

The dark Lord heaved a sigh looking Lucius straight in the eye, (Lucius was very worried by now).

" People are attracted to pretty things aren't they Lucius."

" I believe so my lord."

" You know people used to call me pretty, I was very handsome as a young man…. I didn't much care, I saw little point in the art of physically attracting people. I preferred to bend people to my will with pure power."

" Is that so my lord."

" yes Lucius, yes it is .. You on the other hand thrive on physically attracting people, you're positively seductive."

" Thank you?." Lucius didn't know what to do, he was almost positive that the dark Lord his master was hitting on him.

" Tell me Lucius do you think I'm pretty?... Objectively I mean do you find me attractive?"

Lucius almost keeled over at those words what was he supposed to say? Yes big scaly really got the broomstick flying.

" My lord….. your an imposing figure mere mortals tremble in your presence."

" hhhhhmmmmm,. Imposing isn't exactly seductive."

" Some people find it so my lord."

" Do not lie to me Lucius, if I was to attempt seducing you would you find my form pleasing ?"

" eeeeerrrrrr…."

"That is answer enough, Lucius I have a new task for you as a man who specialises in the beauty of the male form, I've have heard you spend quite a bit of energy seeking perfection yourself. I command you to devise a plan to make me seductive, beguiling, bewitching, captivating, craft me an image which will drive people to their knees with want."

" As you command by Lord."

The dark Lord rose from the table staring down at the nervous blond man, he smiled almost giddy with anticipation one step closer to his goal.

" Do not disappoint me in this Lucius, when you succeed you will be greatly were rewarded."

"Of course my lord." Lucius sputtered standing as well.

" Anything interesting in the newspaper."

" Yes my lord, about the Granger girl."

"Excellent Lucius pass it to me I have business in my study I am not to be disturbed."

"Of course my lord."

Voldemort left the room dark robes billowing, as Lucius slumped back into his chair nervously running his fingers through his hair all he could think was.

OH!OH!OH! The dark Lord wants to bugger me! Buggered, buggerey, play hide the wand and hold my slippery serpent. What was he going to do? The dark Lord was smiling as he talked of rewards , smiling! And how in Merlin's balls ( He cringed don't think about balls) was he going to turn someone part snake ( don't think about his snake parts) into , beguiling, bewitching and captivating. He couldn't even begin to think about what colours would go with his skin tone! Scales tone? Skin tone? He needed help from the only person who wouldn't laugh in his face and give suggestions on which lubricants worked best scales, (Slytherin in general is very open-minded (but not really to Lucius tastes), not as creative as the Ravenclaw and there used to be one very nasty seventh year initiation involving a snake, house pride. Until something got something bitten off). With that shuddering thought he flew to the fireplace sprinkled some floo powder, stuffed his head in the fire yelling for Severus Snape.

" Severus I need your help! I don't want to play hide the wand with a slippery serpent and I don't know whether Salmon goes with a Scale tone !"

"Lucius!" Severus Snape replied from across the room sharply " I don't know who slipped you a babbling brew but I'm rather busy at the moment". Raising his hand to point at the pretty young woman who was red-faced, arms crossed and a purse to her lips that suggested she was not happy at all.

" oh do forgive me Miss Granger I didn't see you there."

So what do you think? Out with the boring stuff and onto the humour! Big thank you to all those who reviewed it is really helpful! When I finished the next chapter I will give out special thank you is to the people who sent me the best reviews and respond to comments.

Hope you enjoyed this let me know your thoughts and ideas, and if anyone is willing to give this story a glance over as beat reader please message me, as it really needs it.

Thank you all and to all a good night.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7.

( FYI The italic writing is a song in Lucius head )

Lucius Malfoy was not a man easily flustered, in fact his mother had spent a good portion of two decades training him in the most embarrassing of ways to be cool and collected at all times, everything from baby photos at Ministry balls to convincing him one sunmmer that mauve was definitely his color.

However this particular morning Lucius felt he was completely, undoubtably, justified if he cast an invisibility spell, blasted a hole in the floor jumped in singing to himself the Nanny's elf's song about bubbles the blue Dragon that blew his nose too hard.

Thanks to the Malfoy training ( thank you mother) this was unnecessary, even if he did sing the song in his head, he told himself it was for legilimens protection and not for comfort.

_Hmm...hmmm..Anytime your nose is full..._

" oh do forgive me miss Granger I didn't see you there."

_it's really is uncomfortable… Hmm..hm._

" …. Allow me to apologize once more, … Your most holy imperial majesty, I didn't mean to take liberties."

.. _Hmmm..you want to get rid of that, drip drip feeling to breathing freely again._

" allow me to formally, as head of the Malfoy Family to offer you are congratulations!"

_Hhmmm_..._blow blow blow your nose, _

" as bannermen to the last holy kings of France, May the goddess protect them."

_give your head a good scrub… bye-bye all those germs and bugs,_

" I feel it is my sworn duty, to offer you assistance. Please feel free to call upon the house of Malfoy."

.._blow blow blow your nose,...hummmmm_

" most holy imperial majesty, if my house can provide any comfort at this unsettling time we are at your disposal."

_didn't use you'll sleeve that ugly ...hmm._

" if it pleases I will now take my leave, as I can see that I have interrupted your meeting with potion master Snape. Severus I would be most gratified if you could call upon me, at your earliest convenience."

_if you're feeling sniffly….Pepper-up potion will not do…._

" your holy majesty may your house reign once more and the holy Goddess protect you,"

_Hhmmm.. blow blow your nose._

" may she fill your belly with powerful sons. By her light may you lead us in glory and mercy, By her shadow in death and vengeance .

Lucius pleased with his speech removed his head from the fireplace , sitting back on his knees he congratulate himself on another crisis skillfully divided,even if he still didn't know what to do about the dark lord's Little serpent. Moving from the room he sang the last line of the song.

"Darr.. Did. Dar…. But be careful not to set fire to your tissue."

**Back in Severus Snape sitting room.**

Hermione blinked at the empty fireplace before tearing around to Professor Snape.

" Was that just Lucius Malfoy!" She exclaimed.

" Well observed your majesty" Snape sneered back at her," A prime example of what I've been talking about, do you understand now you foolish girl".

" well he just didn't seem very Malfoy like." She retorted.

" Malfoy like?" Raising an eyebrow in question.

" rude, derogatory, condescending, frighteningly unpleasant….. If anything he seemed more neurotic!"

" miss Granger you would do well to hold your tongue, I am your professor not one of your dunderhead housemates…. Lord Malfoy is a respected member of the wizengamot, be careful with your words, don't allow your new position to Inflate your ego so quickly."

In truth Severus was concerned by Lucius presents in his fireplace,the man was flamboyant in nature when among friends but hardly manic, as he seem to be this morning. Undoubtedly another situation that would have to be dealt with, this morning was becoming quite tiring very quickly and with a full day of teaching ahead it was too early to dip into the firewhiskey.

Hermione snorted " sir when he first came through, he was most certainly neurot…behaving very strange! The whole conversation was very strange in fact."

" Miss Granger… Azkaban can do some very strange things to a wizard." Reaching up to squeeze the bridge of his nose in exasperation, wondering if he could allow himself get away with the idea that it was 5 o'clock somewhere.

Huffing Hermione sat down in her seat " why would he talk to you anyway…"

" it's hardly any of your business when my friends visit me, you're overstepping your mark. control yourself! Snape snapped.

Blushing she fidgeted in her seat uncomfortably. " your friend sir."

" did you think Slytherin's were unable to obtain friends? Or simply myself? I assure you the bonds of friendship do not only apply to Gryffindor's , in fact Slytherin's make far better ones at that, less fair weather in my observation. Make a Slytherin friend and you will take them to the grave, one way or another. You would do well to remember that."

" I apologize sir, I didn't mean to suggest… It's just been a very difficult morning."

Before he could respond a loud voice called magical through the room .

" Severus my dear boy, I just had an interesting conversation with several Auror's that flooed into my bedroom . Cornelius seems to believe that miss Granger might be planning to take over wizarding Britain?…. I'm not sure why these young good looking men insist on speaking to her, I'm absolutely sure I could be more entertaining. However they are being rather insistent would you bringing her to my office."

Well to hell with it, I'm going to have that drink! lessons or no lessons! Severus thought to himself, as big round scared eyes looked to him in panic.

I'm not dead! Thank you all for reading! Sorry for not updating, life very much got in the way!please let me know what you think as it helps me not to slip into a nonexistent-writing coma! Have already started the next chapter, look for it soon! let's get that ball rolling again and this story out there!

Big thanks to all those that review! Xxxxx

P.s did the song work or is it too hard to read?


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